Leon Tchaikovsky’s
LOS ANGELES COULD DO BETTER
Leon Tchaikovsky
19th Century Wolf Productions
208 North Street
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
17101-1124
United States of America
Earth
Other screenplays by Leon Tchaikovsky:
ROTFL WITH BOB
TRIALS OF A 58 YEAR OLD VIRGIN
OUR MAINE GUY
REACH FOR THE SKY
THE SIXTH DIMENSION
HITTING BOTTOM
THE LAST SOLDIER TO DIE
LIFE HURTS
MY SHORTS ARE SHOWING
LIKE KISSING MY SISTER
PLAY BY DOZENS
THIS FILM IS A HORROR
Note to filmmakers: This project has been suggested as a reality movie where an actor would enter a political race. This is a script for either a scripted portion of such a film, a guide for improvised scenes, or for a totally scripted film.
FADE IN
INT. LARGE PUBLIC HALL - DAY
CHUCK CARDASHYEN, an adult male, approaches a microphone.
MEGAN WENDTWORTH, a political advance person, gives dollar bills to ELLEN DEE, a poorly dressed homeless person, JOHN DOINGTON, a poorly dressed homeless person, and ALFRED WARD, a poorly dressed person.
Megan pushes a confused and senile Ellen, a drunk Caucasian John, and a stoned Alfred so they stand in front of Chuck.
SOPHIA BEIT, a bored camera operator for Station 378, a Los Angeles cable news station, points her camera, reading “Channel 378”, towards Chuck.
Sophia nods forward asleep while standing behind her camera.
CHUCK
My name is Chuck Cardashyen, and
I am announcing my candidacy for
Mayor of Los Angeles, because I
believe Los Angeles can do better.
Megan claps loudly.
Megan nods and nudges Elle, John, and Alfred to also clap.
Ellen is bored while clapping.
ALFRED
Go Dodgers.
CHUCK
I will be running on the Progressive
Conservative ticket. Because we need
to move forward progressively in a
forward direction, yet we must do so
carefully, in a conservative manner.
JOHN
Is this over yet? The track opens
soon.
CHUCK
Crime has been declining under the
current Mayor. Yet, I tell you, Los
Angeles could do better.
MEGAN
We love you, Chuck.
ELLEN
I want to have your baby.
CHUCK
Los Angeles has been growing,
yet I will increases economic
development even more. I believe
it is the role of government to
stay out of the way of the private
sector, except when working in
partnership with the private
sector to create economic
development, or, of course, when
only the public sector is available
to create the economic development.
Because Los Angeles could do better.
ELLEN
Fifty bucks for creating a baby.
Twenty for a b.j.
CHUCK
I love Los Angeles…
ELLEN
I want to love you all night long.
CHUCK
Los Angeles should be the city it
deserves to be…
JOHN
You’re going to torch the place?
CHUCK
It should be a city where every
citizen should be proud to live.
ALFRED
What if you have nowhere to live?
CHUCK
Los Angeles should be a shining
city on a hill.
JOHN
You’re moving the city up the
mountain?
ELLEN
I’m on the pill.
ALFRED
So am I.
CHUCK
Los Angeles should be a more vibrant
city…
ELLEN
I’ve got a vibrator.
ALFRED
So, do I.
CHUCK
Los Angeles can do better. Los
Angeles is a great melting pot…
JOHN
It’s 105 degrees outside. Of
course we’re a melting pot.
ALFRED
Did someone say they have pot?
CHUCK
I will support stronger wage and
employee standards while, of
course, allowing for greater
exemptions from these regulations
for employers.
John, Alfred, and Ellen look at other confused.
Megan claps loudly.
CHUCK
As your Mayor, I will see that
trash collections are improved.
JOHN
There goes us.
CHUCK
As your Mayor, I will increase
police patrols in your
neighborhoods…
ELLEN
Yep, there goes us.
CHUCK
I will support the police, no
matter what, except in cases
where they are wrong, and then
they shall be held accountable
to the fullest extent of the law.
John, Alfred, and Ellen look confused.
Megan claps loudly.
MEGAN
Way to go.
ALFRED
We should go?
Alfred turns to leave.
Megan grabs Alfred and turns him around so Alfred is facing Chuck.
CHUCK
As your Mayor, I will improve
trash collection This is not a
partisan issue. There is no
Democratic way to collect trash.
There is no Republican way to
collect trash. Yet there is a
Progressive Conservative way to
collect trash, and that I promise
the Progressive Conservative way
will make Los Angeles the world’s
leader in trash.
Megan claps wildly.
JOHN
I’m white trash.
ALFRED
I sleep on trash.
ELLEN
I eat trash.
CHUCK
I believe Los Angeles needs more
affordable housing. Too many middle
income people, those earning between
$150,000 and $300,000, are living
in insufficient housing. Many are
unable to afford the necessities of
modern living, such as swimming
pools. I will see we provide a
subsidy for middle income earners.
I shall also see the swimming pool
industry keeps it head above water.
Megan claps wildly.
CHUCK
I will not forget the low income
earners, those earning $100,000 to
$150,000. Since many of these people
are small business owners, I will
help them and their small businesses
out by refusing to force them to pay
higher wages. I will fight to oppose
an increase in the minimum wage.
Megan claps wildly.
ALFRED
I had a small business selling crack.
JOHN
I earned sub-minimum wage once.
ELLEN
I charge twenty bucks an hour,
although senior citizen discounts
are available.
CHUCK
I will lobby Sacramento for improved
roads…
JOHN
The 405 is a parking lot.
CHUCK
I will improve mass transit…
ELLEN
Great. It’s uncomfortable jerking
guys off on the red line.
CHUCK
I will improve our aviation…
ALFRED
Getting high is great.
CHUCK
I will improve fire services…
JOHN
My crotch is burning.
CHUCK
I will improve libraries…
ELLEN
There still are libraries?
JOHN
Open them up earlier. We need
to use their bathrooms sooner.
ALFRED
What idiot put a smoking ban
in libraries?
CHUCK
I will not accept contributions
from special interests, such as
labor unions, environmental groups,
and civil liberties organizations.
I will accept contributions only
from the citizens, and a few
PACS that fight hard for our local
corporations.
Megan claps wildly.
Megan walks towards a rope.
ELLEN
I went into labor once.
ALRED
I went into a group home once.
JOHN
I liberated my civies once and
got arrested.
CHUCK
I am Chuck Cashashyen, and I am
running for Mayor, because Los
Angeles could do better.
Megan tugs on a rope.
The rope releases a huge poster that reads “Chuck Cardashyen for Mayor. Los Angeles could be better.”
Megan races up besides Chuck.
MEGAN
I am Megan Wentworth, Press Secretary
to Chuck Cardashyen. Are there any
questions from the press?
Megan stares at Sophia.
Sophia is asleep standing behind her camera.
CHUCK
Ah, yes, channel 378.
Sophia awakens started.
Sophia looks around half asleep.
SOPHIA
Ahhhhhh. So, what was the name
of the movie you’re doing?
CHUCK
No, I’m, a, running for Mayor.
SOPHIA
Of what?
CHUCK
Los Angeles.
SOPHIA
Los Angles. Crap. I’m supposed
to be in Anaheim in an hour for
a spontaneous publicity stunt.
CHUCK
And when I am Mayor, we shall
have high school rail that will
whisk you to Anaheim in an hour.
SOPHIA
Yeah, right. And I’ll click
my heels and get through LAX
airport security within an hour.
MEGAN
Do you have a question?
SOPHIA
Yeah, why do only have three
supporters at your candidacy
announcement?
MEGAN
Unfortunately, this was a hastily
scheduled press conference…
SOPHIA
We got our notice of this over
a month ago…
Sophia removes a smart phone from her pocket.
Sophia types into her smart phone.
CHUCK
You will see my supporters represent
a broad spectrum of voters. There is
a woman…and two men…
ALFRED
I prefer to identify as a woman.
CHUCK
And a trans——something.
ELLEN
I sometimes am a lesbian, for the
right amount.
CHUCK
I have great support from the LBGBLT
community…
SOPHIA
BLT?
JOHN
All gays will burn in hell.
CHUCK
And a cross section of support from
those with divergent views.
ELLEN
Space aliens implanted a tracking
device in my vagina.
CHUCK
Very divergent.
JOHN
Where’s the booze? You promised
there would be booze.
SOPHIA
Are these homeless people you hired
to be here?
ALFRED
We prefer the term housing challenged.
CHUCK
Of course not. This is a shining example
of the widespread support my candidacy
attracts.
John burps loudly.
Sophia turns to John.
SOPHIA
Why do you support Chuck Cardashyen?
JOHN
Who?
SOPHIA
The man at the podium.
JOHN
Where’s the booze?
SOPHIA
Do you even support Chuck Cardashyen
for Mayor?
JOHN
I support Thomas Bradley for Mayor.
SOPHIA
Sir, Thomas Bradley is dead.
John breaks down in tears.
JOHN
Oh, no! When is the funeral?
Sophia turns to Alfred.
SOPHIA
Why do you believe there so few
supporters at this announcement?
Alfred looks around.
ALFRED
Looks pretty crowded to me. Maybe
the alligators scared them.
SOPHIA
Sir, there is no alligator here.
ALFRED
Because they’re hiding.
MEGAN
There was a busload of supporters
that got caught in traffic.
SOHPIA
Actually, our traffic reporter
states this is one of the best
traveling days this year.
MEGAN
The bus is on the 405.
SOPHIA
Oh.
Sophia turns to Chuck.
SOPHIA
Are you the same Chuck Carashyen who
was arrested for stalking several
actresses?
CHUCK
How did you find that out?
SOPHIA
I just googled your name.
CHUCK
I am sure voters will look past
some silly youthful indiscretion…
SOPHIA
You were arrested just four months
ago.
CHUCK
I am much more mature now. My
peeping tom days are done.
SOPHIA
Peeping tom? That wasn’t in the
article.
MEGAN
For the record, the allegations of
being a peeping tom are sealed in
in civil court and are not for
attribution…
SOPHIA
Not if the candidate publicly admits
it.
MEGAN
He admitted nothing.
SOPHIA
I just recorded it on tape.
Megan runs towards Sophia’s camera.
Megan grabs the camera.
Sophia grabs Megan.
Sophia pushes Megan to the ground.
Sophia and Megan roll around on top of each other.
JOHN
Fight! Fight! Fight!
CHUCK
Rip her blouse off…
Chuck looks around catching himself on what he said.
CHUCK (cont’d)
I mean, stop this fight.
Megan rolls off from the fight laughing and smiling nicely at Sophia.
Sophia rolls off from the fight laughing and smiling nicely at Megan.
Megan rises. Megan brushes herself off.
Sophia rises. Sophia brushes herself off.
Megan whispers in a sexy voice so only Sophia can hear her.
MEGAN
You know, that was kind of hot.
SOPHIA
What? You are the worst press
secretary ever.
MEGAN
How would you like exclusive access
to the candidate?
SOPHIA
Why would I want complete access to
a peeping tom?
MEGAN
We can wrestle anytime we wish…over
the issues.
SOPHIA
Why should I want to cover a candidate
who has no chance of winning?
MEGAN
Because he has already raised four
milion dollars.
SOPHIA
Four…
MEGAN
Followed by six zeros. Which is
three holes more than I have.
SOPHIA
What does that even mean?
MEGAN
Just blow and then pucker your
lips.
SOPHIA
Seriously, what are you even talking
doubt?
MEGAN
You want exclusive access to the
most exciting candidate in Los Angeles,
and to his Press Secretary?
SOPHIA
Sure. This could make a nice
documentary. Besides, I won’t make
Anaheim in time.
MEGAN
Forget Anaheim. We’ll always have
Los Angeles
SOPHIA
Again, what are you talking about?
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - DAY
A large wooden Cardashyen for Mayor sign, nearly the size of the wall, sits next to the wall. A chandelier is held from the ceiling.
Sophia looks into the camera holding a microphone.
NINA NURNER, the campaign finance director, sits at a desk speaking on the telephone.
SOPHIA
This is Sophia Beit. This documentary
explores the inner workings on a new
political force in Los Angeles, the
Progressive Conservative Party, and
its nominee for Mayor, Chuck
Cardashyen. Unknown to nearly all
voters, this campaign claims to be on
the edge of creating a movement that
will shake the very foundation of
Los Angeles politics.
NINA
This is going to be an earthquake.
SOPHIA
An earthquake shaking the foundation
of politics, the campaign claims.
NINA
No, I mean….
The camera shows the room shaking from an earthquake.
NINA (cont’d)
Earthquake!
Sophia runs to a stand inside a doorway.
Nina remains seated at her chair.
The large sign falls on top of Nina, hitting her head and knocking her to the ground.
The room stops shaking.
Nina emerges from beneath the sign.
SOPHIA
Are you alright?
NINA
And that is why you should avoid
being near objects that can fall
during an earthquake.
Sophia looks at Nina’s head.
SOPHIA
That is a big lump forming on your
head.
NINA
That is nothing. You need a hard
head to be in politics. Let’s
start this interview.
Nina sits in a chair.
Sophia sits next to Nina holding a microphone.
SOPHIA
I am speaking to Nina Nurner, the
Campaign Finance Director for the
Cardashyen for Mayor campaign.
NINA
Good to be here with you, Vince.
SOPHIA
How much money has the campaign
raised so far?
NINA
Wait, both of you don’t need to speak
at once.
SOPHIA
Are you sure you are fine?
NINA
Yes, now both of you just relax.
SOPHIA
Maybe I should call a doctor.
NINA
Only if you are going to ask the
doctor to contribute to our campaign.
SOPHIA
I understand your campaign claims to
have raised over four million dollars.
NINA
That’s correct. I believe this year
we can win the pennant.
SOPHIA
Ah…do you mean the election?
NINA
Election, World Series, one or the
other.
The telephone rings.
NINA (cont’d)
Oh, look, a call from one of our
donors.
SOPHIA
Good. We may watch a champion
fund raiser in action.
Nina answers the telephone.
Nina listens for a few minutes.
The room shakes.
SOPHIA (cont’d)
Aftershock!
Sophia runs and stands inside a doorway.
The chandelier hits Nina on the head.
Nina remains sitting listening.
The room stops shaking.
NINA
Why, yes, I will go to the
prom with you…
Sophia runs to Nina.
SOPHIA
I think we need to go to
the emergency room.
NINA
There is no emergency. There
is plenty of time to buy a
dress, and a corsage, or does
the guy buy that?
Chuck runs into the room.
CHUCK
Is everyone alright?
SOPHIA
Nina was hit in the head. I’m
taking her to the hospital.
Megan runs into the room and hugs Sophia tightly.
MEGAN
Sophia, are you OK?
SOPHIA
Yes, but Nina was injured.
MEGAN
As long as you weren’t hurt.
Chuck separates Megan from Sophia.
CHUCK
Sophia is taking Nina to get help.
MEGAN
Did Nina relapse again?
SOPHIA
No, she got hit in the head.
NINA
I slide into second base too hard.
CHUCK
Call 911. The ambulance can get
here faster than we can to them.
Sophia checks her cell phone.
Megan checks the phone.
SOPHIA
My phone is down.
MEGAN
Same here.
CHUCK
OK, I will show decisive action
as a Mayor should. Sophia, your
car is out front, closest to the
office. Please drive Nina to an
emergency room.
Sophia helps Nina rise.
MEGAN
Oh, my, Nina is bleeding.
Chuck rips off his shirt.
CHUCK
Let’s stop the bleeding.
Chuck runs to Nina and places the shirt towards Nina’s bleeding head.
CHUCK (cont’d)
That’s a lot…of…blood.
Chuck faints.
MEGAN
Chuck really is a more effective
leader when he isn’t fainting.
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - LATER - DAY
Chuck sits, looking ashen, sipping orange juice.
Megan puts the Cashasyen wooden sign back against the wall.
MEGAN
We should get this sign out of the
office ASAP.
CHUCK
By the way, I am feeling better, in
case you were wondering.
MEGAN
I hope we don’t have to pay for that
chandelier. We forgot to get renter’s
insurance.
CHUCK
If need be, we can take it out of the
four million we’ve raised.
Megan looks over some financial papers.
MEGAN
How come the records state we are
negative fifteen thousands dollars?
CHUCK
I believe Nina stated the four
million is a pledge that will arrive
any day now.
Megan reads some paperwork.
MEGAN
Oh, now I see it. Nina sent ten
thousand dollars to a donor in
Nigeria to cover import taxes to
allow the four million dollars
to arrive.
CHUCK
Well, that sounds right.
Megan opens a letter.
Megan reads a letter.
MEGAN
Hey, we received our first
endorsement!
CHUCK
From who?
MEGAN
The Sexual Liberation Front.
CHUCK
I remember answering their
questionnaire.
MEGAN
They write that you are the first
candidate to ever receive a one
hundred per cent score from them.
CHUCK
I am a candidate of the people,
regardless of sexual orientation.
MEGAN
They want to hold a fund raiser
dinner for you.
CHUCK
Well, call them and tell them I accept.
INT. SEXUAL LIBERATION FRONT FUND RAISING DINNER - EVENING
Chuck, wearing a sport jacket and no tie, enters the room.
Megan, wearing jeans, enters the room.
Sophia, carrying her camera and wearing casual clothes, enters the room.
Nina, wearing shorts with her head in bandages, enters the room.
The rest of the people in the room wear tuxedos and formal gowns.
Sophia films the proceedings.
RIN TIMMY TIM, a male walks and shakes hands with Chuck.
RIN
Chuck Cardashyen, please to
meet you. I am Rin Timmy Tim,
Primary Barker of the Sexual
Liberation Front.
Rin nods towards LASSIE GRASSO, standing next to him.
LASSIE
This is Lassie Grasso, our
Buried Treasurer.
Chuck shakes hands with Lassie.
CHUCK
Rin…Lassie. What interesting
names.
RIN
Anonymity is a feature of our
organization. It helps our
members to better express their
experiences and difficulties as
members of a sexually repressed
society.
CHUCK
I certainly understand that. I
commend each and every one of you
for your bravery in standing up
and expressing yourselves for who
you are.
LASSIE
That is so lovely. If I could,
I would lick your face for your
acceptance of people who represent
different sexualities from what
society considers the norm.
CHUCK
I completely understand. I not only
believe in your group, yet I am
a part of your group. In fact,
I will not be anonymous. I will
proudly announce that I am a member
of your community.
Lassie cries tears of joy.
LASSIE
That is so wonderful. Thank you. I
am glad to announce that we not only
are endorsing your candidacy, yet
tonight we have raised over $200,000
for your campaign.
MEGAN
Hallelujah. I can pay myself this
month.
Megan looks around at the others.
MEGAN (cont’d)
This will buy crucial advertising
that can make a difference in this
election.
RIN
For too long, we, the members of
the Sexual Liberation Front have
lived in the shadows. Finally, a
hero has arisen who has helped us
all to embrace who we are.
Several NEWS CREWS from local stations appear. They film the conversation.
LASSIE
And this courageous man, Chuck
Cardashyen, here is your check for
$212,008.59.
Lassie hands Chuck a check.
CHUCK
Thank you very much. As Mayor, I
shall fight for your rights to live
your lives and experience your
sexualities as you wish.
LASSIE
And your life as well. After all,
you are the first public figure to
admit in public that you have sex
with animals.
Chuck is startled.
CHUCK
I…ahh…I mean, only if the animals are
consenting, and, of course…
RIN
Thank you for your courage, Chuck.
CHUCK
I mean, I never have, not of course,
that I condone…
Megan grabs Chuck by the arm.
Megan leads Chuck out of the room.
News crews follow Chuck and Megan.
SOPHIA
Mr. Cardashyen, exactly which
animals have you have sex with?
Are you the pitcher or the catcher?
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - NIGHT
Chuck sits being interviewed for Sophia’s documentary
SOPHIA
So your first major public event
is tO defend the rights of people
who wish to have sex with animals.
CHUCK
It would appear so.
SOPHIA
Are you repudiating the endorsement?
CHUCK
I kind of need their contributions.
SOPHIA
Therefore, you support their position.
CHUCK
I swear, as God is my witness, I thought
their questionnaire asked about doggy
style sex, not sex with dogs.
TELEVISION SCREEN SHOWING CHANNEL 3 LOS ANGELES NEWS STUDIO - EVENING
News anchor HEATHER SMILEY sits behind the anchor’s desk reporting the local news.
HEATHER
In bizarre political news,
Chuck Cardashyen has become
the first political candidate
to not only support the right
of people to have sex with
animals, but has admitted he
has engaged in this illegal
and immoral act. Truman
Suarez analyzes what this
means to the race.
TRUMAN
Chuck Cardashyen of the neophyte
Progressive Conservative Party
was registered at only one
percent of voters before his
totally shocking revelation.
The post revelation poll now
puts him at two per cent, which
I attribute more to his increased
name recognition, albeit for the
wrong reasons. The bottom line is—-
there is no voting block of people
having sex with animals, or at least
I certainly hope there is not. This
public admission should knock Chuck
Cardashyen out of the race that he
wasn’t already in.
HEATHER
Thank you for that brilliant Channel
three political analysis. Now for the
latest actor arrested for public
intoxication….
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - DAY
Sophia films Chuck, Megan, and Nina walking around the room conversing.
MEGAN
Outside picketing us, are the Humane
Society, PETA, the Catholic Church,
and for some reason, the Ku Klux
Klan. Do you know how hard it is
to create an alliance such as that?
NINA
We have to do something. Donations
have trickled down to, well,
nothing. Our Nigerian contributor
has expressed disgust.
CHUCK
OK, I need to make a tough choice.
Do I come out against sex with
animals?
MEGAN
YES!
NINA
ABSOLUTELY!
CHUCK
Let me think about this…
SOPHIA
I am sorry. I am supposed to be
an unbiased reporter, yet come
on, this decision can’t be that
difficult.
CHUCK
OK, I will do it. I’ll go outside
and make an announcement.
Chuck heads towards the door outside.
MEGAN
Ah, Chuck, let’s call for a press
conference indoors. Some of the
protestors appears quite angry,
and they have dogs.
Chuck exits.
Sophia films Chuck though a window.
CHUCK (O.S.)
I just want to say…yeow!…
help…get this dog off me…
Mommy…Help!
SOPHIA
This is not looking good…
Ah…he’s going to need a new
pair of pants…and a new shirt.
INT. CHUCK CARDASYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - NIGHT
Chuck, his face and hands heavily bandaged, stands behind a podium and various microphones.
Sophia along with various local news crews,including JILL HAMMITY and JACK MATTERS, film the press conference.
CHUCK
It is my regret that, though a
misunderstanding involving untrained
volunteer campaign staff, who I
would not be surprised are actually
on the payroll of one of my
political opponents, accidentally
accepted on my behalf the endorsement
of the Sexual Liberation Front.
Now, I favor sexual liberation as
much as the next guy…
JILL
So you do favor sex with dogs.
JACK
The phrase “as the next guy”. Are
you stating you are a sexist.
CHUCK
No, I do not favor sex with dogs.
JACK
Sir, are you saying some women are
dogs?
CHUCK
No, I am saying I would not have
sex with dogs.
JILL
So you would only have sex with
women you rate as attractive? How
long have you been a male chauvinist
pig.
CHUCK
I am talking about sex with dogs.
JACK
So you do have sex with dogs?
CHUCK
I believe we are getting off topic.
JILL
No, having sex with dogs is the
issue at hand.
CHUCK
I do not have sex…
JACK
Are you a virgin, then, I mean with
humans, not of course, with dogs.
CHUCK
No, I’ve had sex…
JILL
With dogs, we know that.
CHUCK
No, I denounce sex between
humans and animals.
JILL
Oh, you mean, you don’t have
sex with dogs; no sex with
bow wows or bitches.
CHUCK
This is correct. Especially
if you are the bitch.
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - DAY
Sophia is filming Chuck for her documentary.
CHUCK
I believe a good lesson for
any student of political
science watching this film
is the following: Do not
call a reporter a bitch.
Chuck sits back reflecting.
CHUCK (cont’d)
Oh, and keep an eye out for
protestors with vicious dogs.
Chuck stands up and walks away.
Chuck turns around and walks back to his chair.
CHUCK (cont’d)
And do not accept the support
of organizations that favor
bestiality.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Chuck sits at a bar drinking a milk with a straw.
LILI DARLING, an attractive woman wearing a tight fitting low neck dress that covers her entire back, enters and sits next to
Chuck.
LILLI
White Russian?
CHUCK
No, I’m actually of mixed
Armenian and Croatian descent.
LILLI
I meant your drink.
CHUCK
Oh, no, I don’t drink. It is
milk.
LILLI
How unique. I have not seen
anyone drinking a straight
milk at a bar…ever.
CHUCK
I an an advocate of abstinence.
LILLI
Of alcohol, or sex?
CHUCK
Alcohol. Not of sex.
LILLI
Oh, yes, now I recognize you.
You are that advocate of sex
between people and dogs.
CHUCK
No, that was a misunderstanding.
I am totally opposed to that.
LILLI
So you are fine with sex between
humans.
CHUCK
Sure, as long as they are consenting
adults, they should be free to do
whatever this wish, just as long
as no one gets hurt.
LILLI
What if one of them wants a little
pain?
Chuck chokes swallowing some milk.
CHUCK
So, you, ah, saw me on TV?
LILLI
Oh, yes. I must admit, I was
very impressed by your statements.
It is time we have a firm, decisive
leader.
CHUCK
Thank you.
LILLI
You have a nice authoritative
demeanor.
CHUCK
Which will serve me well as Mayor.
LILLI
Which could serve you well in bed.
Chuck chokes swallowing some milk.
LILLI (cont’d)
I am sorry. I have never been so
forward. It is just, you’re the
first celebrity I’ve ever met.
CHUCK
How long have you been in Los
Angeles?
LILLI
All my life.
CHUCK
And you have never meet a
celebrity…
LILLI
Most men I meet are immediately
put off by me.
CHUCK
That can’t be true. You are
beautiful.
LILLI
I appreciate that. You don’t
have to lie…
CHUCK
I am telling the truth.
LILLI
You are the first man to ever
say that. Every other man
sees me and runs as fast as
he can.
CHUCK
So, you have no boyfriend?
LILLI
No. And, you? You have a wife?
Girlfriend?
CHUCK
No, single and unattached.
LILLI
I find that hard to believe.
CHUCK
Tell you what. Tomorrow
night, I am attending the
Reporters Association Dinner.
Would you like to attend as
my date?
LILLI
You sure I am not being a
beard from some dalmatian
you have waiting at home?
Chuck frowns at that joke.
LILLI (cont’d)
Just joking. I would love
to be your date.
INT. REPORTERS ASSOCIATION DINNER ROOM - NIGHT
Numerous reporters including Jill interview Chuck.
Lilli stands beside Chuck, wearing a shawl that covers her entire back.
CHUCK
I am glad that once we get this
silly misunderstanding past us,
voters will concentrate on my
stands on the important issues
that will improve the lives of
the residents of Los Angeles.
JILL
Who is this you are with?
CHUCK
This is the lovely Lilli Darling,
my date for the evening.
JILL
So is this the type of bitch you
prefer?
CHUCK
Yes…yes it is.
Lilli pulls Chuck away from the reporters.
LILLI
Ignore them. They obviously do
not understand you the way I do.
CHUCK
May I take your shawl?
LILLI
Why, thank you.
Chuck removes Lilli’s shawl. Chuck does not see Lilli’s back.
Lilli wears a backless dress exposing a swastika tattoo that covers her entire back.
The reporters flash camera and point their video cameras towards Chuck and Lilli’s back.
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - MORNING
Chuck enters the room.
Megan and Nia walk around the room.
Sophia films the conversation.
MEGAN
My, you look happy.
CHUCK
Let’s just say that someone,
for the first time in several
years, finally had sex last
night.
NIA
Was it Megan?
CHUCK
No, me.
MEGAN
You did?
CHUCK
Jealous?
Megan winks at Sophia.
MEGAN
Not one bit.
NIA
Did you have sex with Lilli
Darling?
CHUCK
Why, yes, I did.
MEGAN
Tell me, did you do it
doggy style?
CHUCK
I believe that is a bit
personal.
MEGAN
I mean, you are on record as
supporting doggy style sex, so
I should think that is up your
alley, so to speak.
NIA
I think what Megan means is,
while you were having sex with
Lilli, did you notice anything…
ah, unusual?
CHUCK
What? You think she has a penis,
or something? I can assure you,
she is all woman.
MEGAN
So, your sex was all, say, facing
her front, would you say?
CHUCK
Again, that is a bit personal.
Nia throws a newspaper to Chuck.
Chuck raises the newspaper showing a caption “Candidate Dates Nazi” with a photograph from the Reporters Association Dinner of Chuck and Lili from behind with his swastika tattoo.
CHUCK (cont’d)
I had no idea. I mean, the lights
were out, and, well, it was a first
date, so we’re mostly talking breast
action, and fingers, and….
Megan puts fingers in her ears.
NIA
La la la. I don’t need to know this.
CHUCK
That probably explains why she
screamed out “seig heil”.
MEGAN
I will say, Chuck, if you can
corner the votes of every Nazi
and everyone into bestiality in
Los Angeles, you will only have
to reach 50 percent more of voters
voters to achieve a majority.
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREET - DAY
Chuck, Megan, and Nia walks down the street.
Local news crews including Sophia film Chuck.
Chuck extends his right hand to shake hands with a woman, ANDRIA WILLIAMS, on the street.
CHUCK
Hi, I am Chuck Cardashyen,
candidate for Mayor.
Andria quickens her pace walking around and away from Chuck.
Chuck spots a woman JULIE ANNE SMITH, walking a dog.
CHUCK
Hi, I am Chuck Cardashyen,
candidate for Mayor.
Chuck extends his right hand to Julie Anne.
Julie Anne shakes hands with Chuck.
CHUCK
What a beautiful dog. I love
your dog.
Julie Anne is disgusted with that comment.
Julie Anne hits Chuck several times with her pocketbook.
JULIE ANNE
Pervert!
CHUCK
No, no, not like that.
Chuck continues walking down the street.
NIA
Look, there is the incumbent
Mayor.
MEGAN
Now is the chance for you
to confront him on camera…
Chuck rushes up to the MAYOR of Los Angeles.
CHUCK
Mayor! Mayor!
Chuck runs up besides the Mayor.
CHUCK (cont’d)
It is a pleasure meeting
you. I am a big fan.
Chuck removes his cell phone.
CHUCK (cont’d)
May I please get a selfie?
Chuck takes a selfies with the Mayor.
CHUCK (cont’d)
May I get an autograph?
Chuck reaches into his pocket, pulls out a piece of paper.
The Mayor signs the paper and hands it back to Chuck
MEGAN
Wow. That was a way to tell
the Mayor where you stand.
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - DAY
Chuck, Megan, and Nia walk around the room.
Sophia films the proceedings.
MEGAN
The press is ridiculing you.
You had a chance to confront
your opponent, the Mayor, and
you turned into a silly school
girl meeting a rock star.
CHUCK
To be fair, I think it was more
like a school boy, not a…
MEGAN
It does not matter. This
campaign is one walking disaster
after another.
NIA
Although, to be fair, in LA,
any publicity is good publicity.
MEGAN
Not when you in politics.
NIA
We’ve raised over a million
dollars in online donations.
CHUCK
What?
NIA
It seems lots of people will
contribute fifty dollars for
a Cardashyen for Mayor shirt.
MEGAN
What?
NIA
Plus, you are now at three
percent in the polls.
Chuck walks past the window.
The sound of cheering is heard offscreen.
CHUCK
What’s that noise?
Megan looks out the window.
MEGAN
There are people wearing your
t-shirt standing outside.
Chuck walks to the door, opens it, and exits outside.
Sophia, Megan, and Nia follow Chuck outside.
EXT. OUTSIDE CARKASHYEN FOR MAYOR OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - DAY
A CROWD cheers Chuck. Most of the wear Cashashyen for Mayor shirts.
Chuck waves at the crowd.
MADRID MARRIOTT, a socialite, runs up to Chuck.
Madrid removes a small dog from her handbag.
MADRID
May I get a photograph of
you with my dog Princess.
Madrid hands Princess to Chuck.
CHUCK
Yes, you may.
MADRID
This will show that you like
dogs the proper way. All
those misunderstandings about
you are just wrong.
Madrid snaps several photographs as Princess licks Chuck’s face.
CHUCK
Thank you.
Chuck hands Princess back to Madrid.
MADRID
No, thank you.
Madrid holds Princess to her face.
Madrid and Princess lick each other’s tongues.
CHUCK
OK, I’m out of here.
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - DAY
Chuck sits for an interview.
Sophia interviews Chuck.
SOPHIA
The voters want to know more
about you, the candidate, and
where you stand on the issues.
CHUCK
No one stands on issues harder
than I do.
SOPHIA
What would you do to combat
terrorism?
CHUCK
I would require every Muslim
to register at the police, and
I would then have the police
secretly follow them at all
times. That would allow us to
stop any terrorist attack right
when it happens.
SOPHIA
Wow. I don’t even know where to
begin.
CHUCK
But I know where to begin. That
is why I will make a good Mayor.
SOPHIA
A registry of people on religious
basis would be unconstitutional.
CHUCK
That would be for the courts to
decide. It would take years of
appeals, so meanwhile, I would
register every Muslim.
SOPHIA
Not all terrorists are Muslims are
terrorists, and not all terrorists
are Muslims.
CHUCK
Yes, but there are terrorists are
Muslim.
SOPHIA
There are white terrorists. You
are not calling on all white people
to register with the city.
CHUCK
Maybe we should.
SOPHIA
We don’t even have the resources
to follow everyone who registers.
CHUCK
Maybe we should.
SOPHIA
That would require a huge increase
in taxes.
CHUCK
Not if cut government waste and pay
for it out of that.
SOPHIA
How would you find government waste?
CHUCK
That’s easy…
SOPHIA
Go ahead.
CHUCK
You look for it.
SOPHIA
You can’t possible find enough
waste to pay to follow everyone
who registers by religion, or
race.
CHUCK
You won’t know that until you
look for it.
SOPHIA
What would you do about illegal
immigration?
CHUCK
I would require every illegal
immigrant to register, and then
I would deport everyone who
registers.
SOPHIA
Then why would anyone declare
as an illegal immigrant?
CHUCK
Because every illegal immigrant
who does not register would be
deported for not registering.
SOPHIA
Let’s move to education. How
would you improve Los Angeles
schools?
CHUCK
Very simple. All day education.
SOPHIA
So you support more after school
activities?
CHUCK
No, I believe students should be
receiving nonstop instruction from
8 am until 5 pm
SOPHIA
There are not enough teachers…
CHUCK
I would hire immigrants about to
be deported to be teachers. You
give them a choice, deportation,
or you become a teacher
SOPHIA
Most of those people won’t have the
training to be teachers.
CHUCK
Again, simple solution. You hire
illegal immigrants to train other
illegal immigrants to become
teachers
SOPHIA
How would you reduce gun violence?
CHUCK
That’s easy. Free bullet proof
vests.
SOPHIA
What?
CHUCK
Yes, if gang members all wore
bullet proof vests, there would
be no need to shoot each other.
Why waste bullets?
SOPHIA
Excuse me, but are you making
up your answers on the spot?
CHUCK
That shows I have quick judgement.
SOPHIA
Your positions are, to be polite,
out of the mainstream of popular
opinion. How do you expect to win?
CHUCK
People are tired of mainstream
popular actions. They want something
bold and different. I am different.
SOPHIA
Well, that’s for certain.
INT. CHUCK CARDASYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - MORNING
Chuck, Megan, and Nia walk around the room.
Sophia films them.
MEGAN
I thought that interview you
did would not be well received.
Guess what. You zipped up to
six percent in the polls.
NIA
I thought your answers were
idiotic.
CHUCK
Never underestimate the desire
of idiot voters to want someone
to represent their interests.
NIA
You insulted Muslims and
immigrants. Religious and Latino
leaders are fiercely angry at
you.
CHUCK
So what? There are hardly any
Muslim voters or Hispanic voters
in Los Angeles.
MEGAN
Actually, there are…
Chuck stars at Megan.
MEGAN (cont’d)
Never mind.
NIA
You even called for the registration
of white people.
CHUCK
Which I think is a good idea. I mean,
we should check on where everyone
lives. We don’t have to do it every
year. But maybe once every ten years.
NIA
The good news is contributions are
flooding in. I believe we have enough
to begin running TV ads.
EXT. OUTSIDE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE - DAY
A television commercial airs.
Chuck stands outside with the Golden Gate Bridge.
CHUCK
I am Chuck Cardashyen, and I
want to be Mayor of Tinseltown.
Because I want to change things
First off, no more of calling
Los Angeles “tinseltown”. The
only time you use tinsel is at
Christmas—-which I note is a good
Christian holiday that Muslim
terrorists look down upon. I want
to be Mayor all year round, and
not just when using tinsel at
Christmas. I will bring bold
new ideas to Los Angeles. I am
not afraid to adopt ideas that
were successful in other cities.
For instance, San Francisco has
a Golden Gate Bridge. It produces
millions of dollars in tourism
each year. When I am Mayor, Los
Angeles will have a Golden Gate
Bridge over our majestic Los
Angeles River.
EXT. LOS ANGELES RIVER - DAY - CONTINUOUS
A shot of the Los Angeles River is shown.
A photograph of the gigantic Golden Gate Bridge over the small sized Los Angeles River is superimposed.
CHUCK (cont’d)
I am Chuck Cardashyen, and of
course I approve this message.
I just gave the message. When
I am Mayor, I will get rid of
this “and I approve this message”.
What a waste of time.
The words “Chuck Cardashyen. Los Angeles could do better” appear on the screen.
MEGAN (O.S.)
Chuck Cardashyen. Los Angeles
could do better.
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - DAY
Sophia interviews Nia.
NIA
I am Nia Turner, Finance
Director for the Chuck
Cardashyen for Mayor
campaign.
SOPHIA
What exactly does a finance
director do?
NIA
I am in charge of directing
finances.
There is a long pause.
SOPHIA
And how do you accomplish that?
NIA
Mostly with lots of phone calls.
SOPHIA
You call and solicit funds for
the campaign?
NIA
Correct. I mostly look at where
people with financial dealings
with city government exist and
then I call them and ask them
to contribute to the campaign.
SOPHIA
I thought this campaign was
one that was against special
interest.
NIA
This campaign is. We will oppose
any special interest that is not
a contributor to the campaign.
I mean, that is how politics works.
SOPHIA
Doesn’t that obligate a Mayor
Cardashyen to deliver favors to
those who contribute?
NIA
No, you obviously do not understand
how politics works. There is no
obligation, therefore the contributions
are totally voluntary and there is
no set reward for a contribution.
That would be totally illegal. What
happens is there is a promise that
Chuck Cardashyen wil remember those
who contribute to his campaign, and
that remembrance when awarding contracts
and jobs attracts contributors who
realize they will legally be remembered
without any illegal obligations being
promised.
SOPHIA
I am not sure if I understand that
the difference.
NIA
There is a legal difference. That is
what the Finance Director does. I
can promise you that, if you are, say a
contractor seeking a no-bid city construction job, that as Mayor
that Chuck Cardashyen will indeed
remember you contribution when deciding
who to choose, but it will be a total
and open selection process, and while
you will receive the bid, it will be
handled in a manner that is totally open
involving a process that is fair to all.
SOPHIA
Did you just say the contributor will
get the bid?
NIA
Well, of course. We are not going to
reward our enemies, or people who did
not contribute to the campaign. But
we will award the contract in an open
and fair process to the contributor
that is totally legal.
SOPHIA
I am not sure if that is legal.
NIA
And that is why you are not a lawyer
and I am.
SOPHIA
From where did you graduate law school?
NIA
I graduated from the University of North
Central New Brunswick School of Culinary
and Legal Arts. I double degreed. I can
write you a will and cook you a mean
omelette.
SOPHIA
So you went to Canada for law school?
NIA
I grew up in Canada. I then came to
America to become active in its politics.
I have proudly worked and voted for six American political candidates now.
SOPHIA
How have you adapted to the differences
between Canadian and American law?
NIA
There aren’t any differences.
SOPHIA
Yes there are.
NIA
Not that much.
There is a long pause.
SOPHIA
When did you become an American
citizen?
NIA
I am still a Canadian citizen.
SOPHIA
Then when did you become a dual
citizen?
NIA
I never became one.
SOPHIA
You said you have voted for six
American politicians.
NIA
So?
SOPHIA
You have to be an American citizen
to order to vote in American
elections.
NIA
The US and Canada are both part of
America.
SOPHIA
Yes, but only a citizen of the United
States can vote in an election held
in the United States. Otherwise,
it is a crime.
Nia is petrified stumbling unsuccessfully for an answer.
INT. CHUCJ CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - NIGHT
Chuck speaks behind a podium.
Local reporters including Sophia cover this press conference.
CHUCK
…and thus when my Finance Director
stated she had voted for six American
politicians, all she meant was that
she had written them as a write-in
candidates in Canadian elections.
No laws have been broken whatever.
SOPHIA
Yes, but an examination into the
voter registration files…
CHUCK
I believe those records are private
and confidential.
SOPHIA
No, they are public records.
CHUCK
Drat.
SOPHIA
Shoe that Nia Turner is registered
to vote and indeed has voted in
six elections here in Los Angeles.
CHUCK
That could be another Nia Turner.
SOPHIA
At the same home address that your
finance director lists?
CHUCK
That could just be a total coincidence.
SOPHIA
Do you have any comment on this?
CHUCK
I believe my previous comments have
covered this issue.
SOPHIA
You haven’t commented on that at all.
CHUCK
And I stand by that completely.
EXT. STREETS OF LOS ANGELES - DAY
Sophia interviews various people walking past her.
ANDY CARSEEYA
I like Chuck Cardashyan’s
openness. He may not say much,
but I don’t like it when they
say too much and don’t mean it.
You know, how some people talk
on and on and on and on and on;
SARAH GOLDENMAN
No, Chuck Cardashyan turns me
off. He should grow a beard and
wear a leather jacket.
KANDO EAST
I am not at all bothered that
Chuck Cardashyan dates a Nazi.
Who hasn’t fantasized about
being in bed with a Gestapo
woman?
BABA WAWATERS
Maybe Chuck Cardashyan doesn’t
quite say things the right way,
but he says the wrong things
the way everyone thinks of them.
LIZ TAILORMADE
I am not at all bothered that
bestiality supporters endorsed
Chuck Cardashyan. You can’t do
anything about who is going to
vote for you. They could be
communists, klan members,
directors guild members. You
need to get as many votes as
you can get.
EXT. STREETS OF LOS ANGELES - DAY
Signs are shown reading “Chuck Cardashyan for Mayor. Los Angeles Could be Better”. Underneath each sign is posted a sign reading “Yeah, Vote Socialist”.
Chuck speaks to Sophia and other reporters.
CHUCK
I wish to condemn the Socialist
Party for their desecration of
my political signs.
SOPHIA
Your signs are not being disturbed.
It is that someone is placing signs
below your signs.
CHUCK
This is all a part of a vast right
wing conspiracy to destroy my candidacy…
SOPHIA
I wouldn’t call the Socialist Party
part of the right wing…
CHUCK
I see the media is already deceiving
you and other members of the media…
SOPHIA
There is no conspiracy. It is just
well placed signs…
CHUCK
I resent how the press has totally
ignored my candidacy…
SOPHIA
Actually, we have reported on your
campaign three times more, so far,
than on any other candidate.
CHUCK
You have? Hey, that’s great. Thank
you.
EXT. STREETS OF LOS ANGELES - DAY
Chuck walks down a sidewalk.
Megan and Nia walk with Chuck.
Sophia films the walk.
Chuck raises his right hand to shake hands with ALICE KRAMPTON, a woman walking in the other direction.
CHUCK
Hi, I am Chuck Kardashian, candidate
for Mayor.
Alice looks at Chuck disgusted.
Alice moves away from Chuck, declining to shake his hand.
Megan points at the incumbent MAYOR walking down the sidewalk.
Several AIDES and REPORTERS surround the Mayor.
SOPHIA
Look, it is your opponent, the
incumbent Mayor.
MEGAN
Go up and challenge him with
some tough policy questions.
Chuck runs up to the Mayor happily like a stalker fan.
CHUCK
Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor. It is
a pleasure to meet you.
Chuck shakes the Mayor’s hand for a little longer than normal.
CHUCK (cont’d)
May I get a selfie?
Chuck takes a selfie with the Mayor.
CHUCK (cont’d)
May I get your autograph?
Chuck hands the Mayor a pen and a piece of paper.
The Mayor signs an autograph on the paper.
The Mayor hands the paper to Chuck.
Sophia films Megan as she sheepishly shrugs her shoulders.
INT. SENIOR CITIZEN HOME - DAY
Chuck addresses a room of SENIOR CITIZENS eating lunch who pay no attention to Chuck.
CHUCK
I care about seniors, and as
your Mayor, I will do what I
can to improve your services…
JORGE BURNS, an elderly man seated at a table facing away from Chuck makes a disgusted face.
JORGE
I won’t vote for you.
CHUCK
I am sorry, sir. Would you tell
me why you won’t vote for me?
JORGE
I’ll be dead by the election.
CHUCK
Sir, think positive. Where
there is life there is hope.
JORGE
It is your yapping that is
going to kill me.
CHUCK
Anyway, I will improve your
services…
GRACE HALLON, an elderly woman walking extremely slowly across the room with a waiter, sticks her tongue out at Chuck.
GRACE
What are you going to do? Get
us better prunes?
CHUCK
I will see health care is improved.
GRACE
How? Better bed pans?
JORGE
Fresher prunes?
CHUCK
I favor more preventive medicine.
GRACE
You want to prevent us from
getting medicine?
CHUCK
No, I want to stop you from
getting sick before you get
sick.
JORGE
Look around. You're too late.
CHUCK
Is everyone here registered to
vote?
GRACE
We all are. In fact, many of us
keep voting years after we die.
CHUCK
I promise change. Isn’t it
time Los Angeles progresses
forward.
The senior citizens shake their heads “no”.
JORGE
We don’t like change. It gets
confusing.
GRACE
Keep things the way they are.
CHUCK
Well, we can do what we do,
but do it better.
JORGE
If it aint broke, why fix it?
CHUCK
Because things can be improved.
GRACE
All politicians do are make
promises.
CHUCK
I will deliver.
JORGE
This comedian is not funny
one bit.
CHUCK
I am not a comedian, I am Chuck
Cardashyan. I am running for
Mayor.
JORGE
Funny. We are just laughing about
that yesterday.
GRACE
Does anyone remember why I came
into this room?
INT. DELI FULL RESTAURANT - DAY
Chuck shakes hands with CUSTOMERS eating on a counter.
Sophia films this.
Chuck speaks to SHELLEY SHORT, a wait server.
CHUCK
If I am elected Mayor, I will
see that you earn a dollar an hour
above the minimum wage.
SOPHIA
I thought you were against increasing
the minimum wage.
Chuck speaks briefly, brushing off Sophia.
CHUCK
I changed my mind on that.
SHELLEY
I already earn a dollar and a half
above the minimum wage. You’re going
to reduce my wage?
Shelley throws a glass of water into Chucks face.
Shelley walks away.
JOE EATON, the restaurant owner, walks up to Chuck holding the restaurant’s “C” grade sign.
JOE
Hey, if you are Mayor, what are
you going to do to get my restaurant
an “A” rating.
CHUCK
Well, why did you get a C rating?
JOE
Heartless bureaucrats. I mean, what
restaurant doesn’t have rat droppings.
Rats are everywhere. I can’t help
where they poop.
EDDIE WEEZEN, a customer eating a sandwich, spits out his last bite.
JOE (cont’d)
And what’s with cooking everything
at high temperature? I work on volume.
I got to keep the food moving.
LORI NEUMAN, a customer, holds up a hamburger. A stream of blood flows from the burger.
CHUCK
I will agree that small businesses
are overburdened with too many
regulations.
JOE
Now you’re talking. Why should I
have to waste money on a fire
extinguisher?
CHUCK
Well, restaurants sometimes do
catch fire.
JOE
Hey, you got to collect the insurance
money somehow, huh?
CHUCK
Ahhh…
JOE
You did not hear that.
CHUCK
Actually, I did…
JOE
Here, let me take your photograph.
I’ll add you to my wall of celebrities.
Sophia films photographs of Joe with Charles Manson and with O.J. Simpson.
Joe removes his cell phone.
Joe takes a selfie photograph with Chuck.
CHUCK
I…should be leaving.
Chuck exits the restaurant.
Joe shows the photograph he just took to Shelley.
JOE
Print out a copy of this and
paste that guy’s face on the
dart board.
EXT. LOS ANGELES SIDEWALK - DAY
Chuck walks along a sidewalk shaking hands with voters.
Lilli walks by Chuck.
Lilli notices Chuck.
Lilli turns around and walks towards Chuck.
LILLI
Chuck?
CHUCK
Lilli?
LILLI
You never called.
CHUCK
Well, there was that whole
Nazi thing.
LILLI
You promised you’d call.
CHUCK
I meant it at the time. It
is just, I sort of have a
thing against dating Nazis.
LILLI
That is not who I am.
CHUCK
Then why do you have a rather
large tattoo suggesting otherwise?
LILLI
I was young, drunk, and got it
on a whim.
CHUCK
Have you consider tattoo
removal?
LILLI
You see how big it is? Now
that would cost a lot, in
money and in pain.
CHUCK
I did enjoy our time together.
LILLI
Then why not give me a second
chance?
CHUCK
Yeah, but the voters, not all,
but most, dislike Nazis, even
ex-Nazis. In fact, it is nearly
all voters.
LILLI
That was a youthful error. I had
no idea of the philosophy or
history of the Nazis. Back that,
I just saw the tattoo as a way
to get back at my father.
CHUCK
Well, if you are willing to help
me explain that to the voters…
LILLI
Then there is a chance for us as
a couple?
CHUCK
Yes. Love should conquer all.
LILLI
I will denounce anything and
everything about the Nazis.
CHUCK
That is good.
LILLI
After all, I am an American
patriot, and I abhor any enemy
of our country, past or current.
CHUCK
Excellent.
Lilli stares romantically towards Chuck.
Chuck stares romantically towards Lilli.
Chuck and Lilli embrace and kiss.
Reporter cameras capture Chuck and Lilli kissing.
LILLI
Which is now why I have switched
my allegiance to the Ku Klux Klan.
INT. CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR OFFICE - DAY
A CELEBRITY walks into the office.
Chuck walks up to the Celebrity.
Chuck and the Celebrity shake hands.
CHUCK
Welcome. To what do I owe this
pleasure?
CELEBRITY
I am a big fan. I want to help
your campaign.
CHUCK
That’s great.
CELEBRITY
I want to be by your side during
this campaign.
CHUCK
I would appreciate this.
CELEBRITY
Yes. You scratch my back, and
I’ll scratch yours.
CHUCK
Pardon?
CELEBRITY
You get more attention, more
people come to your rallies
to meet me, and your campaign
gains.
CHUCK
I thought you are a supporter.
CELEBRITY
I just said that. It was acting.
I have no interest in politics,
no idea what policies are. Whatever
you say, it will sound good to me.
CHUCK
If you are not a supporter, then
why endorse me and campaign with me?
CELEBRITY
Look. I haven’t won a role in six
months. My agent thinks if I look
more serious and political, casting
agents will take me more serious.
They will be afraid not to hire me
because it will look like they are
discriminating against me for my
views.
CHUCK
Well, thank you for your…whatever.
CELEBRITY
Besides, it won’t hurt if you actually
get elected Senator.
CHUCK
Mayor.
CELEBRITY
Senator, Mayor, whatever. You give
me the script, I’ll have your back,
as long as I am within camera view.
INT. CHANNEL SIXTY-NINE STUDIO - DAY
MAURY SINGER, a talk show host, stands on stage.
MAURY
Welcome to the Maury Singer Show.
Tonight, I am pleased to have on
our show a candidate for Mayor of
Los Angeles, Chuck Cardashyen.
Chuck enters waving at the cameras and a studio audience.
Chuck sits in a chair.
Maury sits on a chair.
CHUCK
I appreciate this chance to present
my views on community policing…
MAURY
I have to interrupt. Have you seen
this show before?
CHUCK
I hate to admit I have been busy
campaigning…
MAURY
This is not a political discussion
show. We show human emotions.
CHUCK
I would be glad to share with voters
my moral compass and religious faith…
MAURY
We are very interested in your moral
compass.
CHUCK
Good, because I believe honesty is
an important element of…
MAURY
Are you an honest man, Chuck? Are
you?
CHUCK
Yes, I believe I am.
MAURY
Then why would you lie to a woman?
CHUCK
Pardon me?
MAURY
You have sex with a woman, tell her
you could call her, you never call
her, she sees you, you again promise
to call her back, and yet you never
had.
CHUCK
That’s a complicated situation…
MAURY
Yes, Chuck, that is what a lot of
dishonest men claim.
CHUCK
She is a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
MAURY
Do you only date racists, Chuck?
CHUCK
I did not know she was a racist.
MAURY
So you thought that swastika tattoo
was for a rap group?
CHUCK
I did not notice that tattoo.
MAURY
You have a history of not paying
attention to women, don’t you,
Chuck?
CHUCK
If you give me a chance, I can
explain…
MAURY
Let’s now hear her side of the
story. Joining us now is the
victim, Lilli Darling.
Lilli enters waving at the studio audience and the cameras.
Chuck stands and extends his hand to shake Lilli’s hand.
Lilli slaps Chuck’s face.
Lilli jumps on top of Chuck.
Lilli hits Chuck with her fists over and over.
Maury pulls Lilli off Chuck.
Maury guides Lilli to sit in a chair.
LILLI
You broke all your promises to me.
I guess you are going to break all
the promises you make to all voters?
CHUCK
I didn’t know your politics…
MAURY
Are you prejudiced, Chuck? You
insist on being political correct,
even in the bedroom?
LILLI
Chuck, you are a horrible man. Not
only that, you have a small pe…
MAURY
Although, Lilli, you are not
without fault. Who is Louis?
LILLI
Louis is my boyfriend.
MAURY
So you and Chuck were cheating
on Louis? Let’s meet Lilli’s
boyfriend, professional wrestler
Louis Furrier.
LOUIS FURRIER, a strong professional wrestler, runs on stage.
Louis grabs Chuck, picks up Chuck, and places Chuck on a stranglehold.
Maury intervenes and pulls Chuck away from Louis.
LOUIS
You are a cheating man. You
cheat everyone you meet, you,
you politician, you.
Louis grabs Chuck, turns Chuck upside down, and prepares to drop Chuck headfirst to the floor.
MAURY
Louis, Lilli has something to
say to you.
Lilli bends down on one knee.
LILLI
Louis, if you can forgive me,
will you marry me?
Louis tosses Chuck aside.
Chuck slides across the stage looking bewildered.
LOUIS
Of course, honey patootie.
I’ll marry you.
Lilli and Louis embrace and kiss.
LOUIS (cont’d)
I just need to tell you something.
I was born a woman.
LILLI
That’s fine. I’m really a
lesbian.
Lilli and Louis embrace and kiss.
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - DAY
Chuck stands behind a podium.
Sophia, other reporters and camera operators watch and film Chuck.
The Celebrity stands beside Chuck.
CHUCK
I today announce my program to
increase law enforcement protections.
The Celebrity overdoes a fake smile.
CHUCK (cont’d)
I call be installing gunshot
locator devices on tops of tall
buildings that will more quickly
pinpoint gunfire activity.
The Celebrity waves frantically towards each camera.
CHUCK (cont’d)
I will call upon prosecuting
lesser vandals because that will
tend to prevent future more
violent crimes.
The Celebrity hilariously raises his eyebrows to gain attention.
CHUCK (cont’d)
I will provide more bullet proof
vests for law enforcement, prosecutors,
and others whom law enforcement believe
could benefit from such vests…
SOPHIA
I have to interrupt to ask this breaking
news question…
CHUCK
Yes, please, go ahead.
Sophia turns and addresses her question to the Celebrity.
SOPHIA
TMZ is reporting that you have been
offered a role in a pilot.
CELEBRITY
Please, this press conference is for
Chuck. By no means should it be
concerned with my pilot which already
has garnered interest from the Fox
Network for their fall lineup.
CHUCK
Are there any questions on my law
enforcement policies?
SOPHIA
Yes.
CHUCK
Go ahead.
SOPHIA
Considering that this pilot is
a police action TV series, will
the LAPD be actively involved in
consulting on this show?
CELEBRITY
Again, the fact that this will be
a fast action police mystery series
featuring solving cases that will
keep you all on the edge of your
seats should not be addressed at
this press conference.
SOPHIA
So will there or will there not be
current police officers advising on
the show?
CELEBRITY
We absolutely will be in close contact
with current law enforcement in the
field. Viewers will be provided an
exciting but realistic presentation of
the life and work of Los Angeles police
officers, their families, and of the
criminals.
SOPHIA
So what are the long term goals of the
law enforcement proposals you are making.
CHUCK
That is a very good…
CELEBRITY
I can see the series being expanded into
a series of movies.
Chuck turns slightly towards the Celebrity.
CHUCK
I believe the questions was addressed
to me.
SOPHIA
Ah, no, actually, it was not.
The Celebrity takes over the podium.
Chuck is pushed to the side of the podium.
CELEBRITY
Great question. I hope this series
on TV and film will involve viewers
into better understanding what
police feel and face on their jobs.
Chuck walks away and exits out the door.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
The legs of CHRISTINE HUNTLEY, a gorgeous model, are shown.
Chistine is shown lying on the sand wearing a bikini.
Christine shifts provocatively while blowing a kiss towards the camera.
MAUREEN TEEGAN, a gorgeous model wearing a bikini, runs through the beach water.
In slow motion, Maureen throws back her hair.
CHERRIE TIEGEN, a gorgeous model, walks across the sands of the beach wearing high heels and a bikini.
Christine lays on the ground.
Maureen spreads suntan lotion on Christine’s body.
CELEBRITY (V.O.)
Chuck Cardashyen for Mayor
Los Angeles could do better.
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - DAY
The size of the film reduces, thus showing the interior of the office.
A bewildered Chuck stares at the screen showing this end of the above film.
A shocked Nina watches the films.
Megan watches the film anxiously.
NINA
We can’t show that commercial.
MEGAN
Why not? It would cause a big buzz.
NINA
It would create the wrong kind
of talk.
CHUCK
Its like a train wreck. I don’t
want to see it, yet I can’t look
away.
MEGAN
Exactly. This would transform all
discussion to our campaign overnight.
NINA
It’s sexist.
MEGAN
It’s sexy. Advertising uses beautiful
women to sell all kinds of products.
CHUCK
I’m a candidate for Mayor. I’m not
a product.
MEGAN
You are a product.
NINA
This is over the top.
MEGAN
Which is why it would be ground
breaking. Chuck Cardashyen would
be the candidate of the future.
CHUCK
I need to be the candidate of this
current election.
MEGAN
You need something big to distract
voters from your recent negative
publicity.
NINA
With more negative publicity?
MEGAN
Not when we then hit voters with
this blockbuster.
EXT. BEACH - CONTINUOUS - DAY
ROSEY BARRIO, a significantly overweight woman wearing a bikini, walks along the beach.
ALAN DWEEB, a 90 year old thin man wearing a speedo swimsuit, kicks sand on the beach.
ZSA GABOT, a 90 year old woman wearing a thong bathing suit, turns and blows a kiss towards the camera.
JOHN BADMAN, an overweight elderly man wearing a thong bathing suit, turns and sits besides Rosey.
John applies suntan lotion upon Rosey’s body.
CELEBRITY (V.O.)
Chuck Cardashyen for Mayor.
Los Angeles could do better.
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - DAY
The size of film reduces, thus showing the interior of the office.
Chuck sits stunned with his mouth open.
Nina holds her hands over her eyes.
Megan restfully jumps happily up and down on her chair.
CHUCK
What even was that?
MEGAN
That will silence all the critics
who claim the previous ad was sexist.
This ad will show that we represent
all people.
NINA
All people in swimsuits and thongs.
MEGAN
This will even create a bigger buzz.
This campaign will become the talk
of town.
CHUCK
How is this helping the campaign?
MEGAN
Politics is name recognition.
NINA
Is that’s the case, then why wasn’t
O.J. Simpson ever elected Mayor?
MEGAN
Because he never ran, silly.
NINA
I fear this could backfire and scare
away contributions.
MEGAN
No. I have made a massive buy. This
ad will be airing so much, we will
attract a whole new breed of contributors.
CHUCK
There are contributors who enjoy speedos?
MEGAN
This will see you as a visionary.
CHUCK
I am worried viewers will vision too much
and turn against me.
NINA
What do you mean you’ve made a massive
buy?
MEGAN
These ads start running on every TV
station in LA tomorrow. They’ll run
steadily for the next month.
NINA
What idiot approve this?
MEGAN
You did, yesterday. I showed you
the paperwork. You signed it.
NINA
I thought that was for a new water cooler.
MEGAN
You really should read these things before
you sign them.
NINA
All we need to do is quickly film Chuck
giving his approval.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
Chuck, wearing a three piece suit, stands on a pier.
CHUCK
I am Chuck Cardashyen, and no way do
I approve these stupid ads created by
my idiotic staff.
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR OFFICE - DAY
Chuck, Nina, and Megan watch the screen.
NINA
Now, I think THAT will create a positive
buzz.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
Chuck walks on a beach to meet voters.
Nina walks with Chuck.
Megan walks with Chuck.
Sophia films Chuck.
MAX ATAFRAT, a college student wearing a bathing suit runs up to Chuck holding a camera.
MAX
Chuck Cardashyen, dude, you’re
the man.
Max runs up to Chuck.
Chuck and Max shake hands.
CHUCK
Pleased to meet you. I want
to discuss the high cost of
textbooks…
MAX
Allie, let’s take a selfie with
the man!
AllIE BEALE, a college students wearing a bathing suit runs up to Chuck and Max.
MEGAN
I can take the photo.
Max hands the camera to Megan.
ALLIE
OK. give us three seconds to get
in pose.
Megan puts the camera to her face in preparation of taking the photograph.
ALLIE (cont’d)
Three, two…
Allie turns around away from the camera.
Max turns around away from the camera.
Allie pulls down her bathing suit pants and moons Megan.
Max pulls down his bathing suit pants and moons Megan.
ALLIE (cont’d)
Three.
Megan snaps the photo.
Max pulls up his pants while turning around towards Megan.
Allie pulls up her pants while turning around towards Megan.
Megan hands the camera to Max.
MAX
Thanks. We’re going to make that
into a poster for my fraternity.
ALLIE
I’ll make another poster for my
sorority.
MAX
Dude, you’re going to be popular
on campus.
CHUCK
Ahh, thank you. I need the vote
of every ass on campus.
ALLIE
You got it.
Chuck walks along the beach.
Chuck sees THOMAS FINGERS, a 30ish little person, lying on his stomach on a blanket.
Chuck kneels down to Thomas.
CHUCK
Excuse me, little boy. I was
wondering: where are your parents?
Thomas rises and sits on the blanket.
THOMAS
I am a little person, you
insensitive jerk.
CHUCK
Oh, I am very…
THOMAS
Do you think a 30 year old
man should be allowed on the
beach without a parent?
CHUCK
I did not mean…
THOMAS
Learn to be more aware and respectful
of others, you ignorant pile of poop.
Chuck stands.
Chuck walks away.
THOMAS
Walk away without an apology. You
politicians never admit a mistake.
I hope a shark bites off your penis
and doctors can only reattach it
on your forehead.
HELEN PARDON, a woman with surgically enhanced large breasts wearing a bikini, was up to Chuck.
HELEN
Hey, I’ve seen you on television.
Chuck turns and looks at Helen.
Chuck takes a noticeable look at Helen’s breasts and then noticeably look away.
Sophia brings her camera in closely capturing Chuck’s facial expressions and Helen’s breasts.
CHUCK
I’m Chuck…
HELEN
No, wait. I can guess. You’re
in that hamburger commercial.
Chuck slowly gazes towards looking at Sophia’s breasts.
CHUCK
No, I am in my own commercial…
Chuck stares at Helen’s breasts for a few seconds.
HELEN
You’re that guy with that furniture
store…
Chuck quickly darts his gaze and looks downward with a guilty face.
CHUCK
No, I am running for Mayor.
HELEN
That’s you? I knew I saw you
in something.
SOPHIA
Let me get a camera shot of you
two.
CHUCK
No, that’s alright…
HELEN
I’d love to.
Helen stands next to Chuck preparing for the film shot.
Helen puts an arm around Chuck and pulls Chuck closer to her.
Chuck stumbles a bit and falls held up by Sophia with his head facing downwards.
Chuck’s head is above Helen’s breasts.
Chuck is frozen staring at Helen’s breasts.
SOPHIA
Got it. Now that’s the money shot,
literally.
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR OFFICE. - DAY
Chuck, Megan, and Nina sit around a table.
Sophia films the discussion.
NINA
You need a larger social media
presence.
CHUCK
I guess social media is an important
part of media.
NINA
I set up a Facebook page.
MEGAN
I set up an account for you on
match.com.
CHUCK
What?
MEGAN
Women see you are out there, they
have a chance to date you, they
will see you as one of them.
CHUCK
They’ll see me as a woman desperately
looking for a man?
NINA
We made you bisexual so you can attract
some gay votes.
MEGAN
That may diminish those dog loving rumors.
NINA
I set up a Twitter account.
Megan looks at Twitter on her phone.
MEGAN
These tweets are great. “Governor
is the worse ever. Too much sun
must have caused brain damage.”
CHUCK
What? How does that help?
Megan reads from her phone.
MEGAN
“California has the worse Congressional
delegation. Did any of them finish
sixth grade?”
NINA
I particularly like that one.
CHUCK
How is insulting people going to
win votes?
NINA
Voters like an outspoken candidate.
MEGAN
“Dodgers may be losers, but I am a
winner. I have lion’s blood.”
CHUCK
The Dodgers won today.
NINA
No one follows baseball.
CHUCK
Lion’s blood?
NINA
You’re king of the jungle.
CHUCK
My position is Los Angeles is
a jungle?
MEGAN
Actually lions sleep most of the
time.
NINA
Good point. Lion’s blood might be
the wrong visual.
CHUCK
Who is visualizing lion’s blood?
NINA
You have a match.
CHUCK
On Twitter?
NINA
No, on match.com. She’s a 79
year old married woman looking
for romance beyond her marriage.
CHUCK
What did you write for me on
that site?
NINA
You need to be a man for all
people.
CHUCK
I don’t think dating a 79 year
old married woman would help
my image.
NINA
You also got a match for a
young gay man.
MEGAN
You could triple date and show
your openness to being with
all the people.
CHUCK
I don’t know if…
NINA
Oops. The gay man messages that
he really is 16 years old.
INT. TELEVISION STUIDO - DAY
BETTY BROWN, a 79 year old woman, faces the cameras.
JAY SOUTH, a 16 year old boy, faces the camera.
BETTY
It was Chuck Cardashyen who
introduced us.
JAY
As soon as I saw Betty, I realized
that I am actually bisexual.
BETTY
After one charming dinner with Jay,
I asked my husband for a divorce.
JAY
As soon as I turn 18, we are getting
married.
INT. MOBILE HOME - DAY
ELVIS CARDASHYEN, an elderly man, sits facing a camera.
AMY CARDASHYEN, an elderly woman, sits facing a camera.
ELVIS
Yes, I am Elvis Cardashyen, father
of that ‘know it all’ Chuck Cardashyen.
AMY
I am Amy Cardashyen. I am Chuck’s
mother.
ELVIS
We were ashamed when Chuck chose to
go into politics.
Amy smiles and speaks positively.
AMY
His brother Bob is a drug dealer.
ELVIS
Chuck was a little different.
Bob wanted to go into football.
Chuck wanted to learn how to
become a referee.
AMY
Chuck really didn’t have the
body to play football. He was
better with that book learning.
ELVIS
He loved books, but he never
took to street learning.
AMY
Although he learned about sex
on the streets. He lost his
virginity to that slut next door.
ELIVS
Now, now, Desiree has been
misunderstood her whole life.
ANY
I don’t think there is any
misunderstanding when she has
a price list print out for
her various types of jobs.
ELVIS
Chuck was the eighth member of
our family to go to college.
AMY
But the first not to get expelled.
ELVIS
There was that cheating scandal.
AMY
Oh, Chuck wasn’t one of those
cheating. He was the one who
blew the whistle on the cheating.
Elvis holds back tears.
Elvis holds his head in a hand with a dejected look.
ELVIS
My son, the rat.
AMY
Chuck would make a great Mayor.
ELVIS
Sure, either that, or a football
referee.
AMY
He calls things the way he sees
them.
ELVIS
The fink tattletale.
AMY
Did I mention Chuck’s brother is
a successful drug dealer?
EXT. LOW INCOME STREET - DAY
MICHELLE WALLACE, a reporter, is filmed running up to BOB CARDASHYEN, Chuck’s brother, standing on a street corner.
MICHELLE
Bob? Bob Cardashyen?
BOB
Who wants to know? What’s with
the camera?
MICHELLE
I want to ask you some questions.
BOB
Look, I’m on probation. I stopped
dealing…
MICHELLE
I want to know about your brother
Chuck Cardashyen.
BOB
Look, Chuck stopped dealing decades
ago…
MICHELLE
So Chuck Cardashyen used to be a drug
dealer?
BOB
Hey, do I need a lawyer?
Bob walks away.
SLOOP TIGER, who is strung out on drugs, walks up to Bob.
SLOOP
Hey, man, you got any.
Bob turns to Sloop.
BOB
Not now.
SLOOP
Man I need something now.
Bob runs away.
MICHELLE
Sir?
Sloop looks around confused.
SLOOP
Me?
MICHELLE
Do you remember Chuck Cardashyen?
SLOOP
Man, I paid him back years ago.
We’re cool.
MICHELLE
What do you pay him for?
SLOOP
Ahhh…I bought a piano from him.
Fell behind in the payments.
MICHELLE
Do you still have the piano?
SLOOP
I…ah…sold it…for investments.
MICHELLE
What was Chuck Cardashyen like
decades ago?
SLOOP
He was cool. He didn’t always
sell you the product he claimed
to have. He was demanding on
paying debts. Yet, overall, he
was a good guy…When he wasn’t
giving you a beatdown.
INT. CHUCK CARDASYEN FOR MAYOR OFFICE - DAY
Reporters including Sophia film Chuck behind a podium and microphones.
CHUCK
I not only deny I was ever a drug
dealer, I point out that at no point
in the film footage does anyone make
that claim.
SOPHIA
Yet you were in sales.
CHUCK
Yss…I sold…pianos.
SOPHIA
On street corners?
CHUCK
It was a low overhead cost
business.
SOPHIA
Does your brother being a
drug dealer…
CHUCK
Former drug dealer.
SOPHIA
Impact your views on drug laws?
CHUCK
Yes, I believe that we need to
concentrate on getting people with
substance abuse problems into
treatment rather than prison. It is
estimated that over three fourths of
inmates are incarcerated due to substance
abuse problems. It would be far less
expensive if we treated the problems
permanently and improve their health
rather than incarcerating them where
they often only learn how to become
criminals. Relapse is common, so you
have to allow for it. If they do not
achieve sobriety after eight times,
then we should give up and lock
them up for life in a prison to be
built on Catalina Island.
SOPHIA
As a follow up…
CHUCK
I also believe we need to help people
with…ah…piano abuse. Anything that
become a compulsion that interferes with
life functions, such as obsessive piano
playing, needs to be handled. I should
know, I’ve seen the piano addicts. I
admit I’ve sold them pianos, and I know
realize the errors of my ways.
SOPHIA
Do you really mean pianos?
CHUCK
Yes…pianos. Absolutely.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Michelle interviews JOY BEGONE, a professional woman.
MICHELLE
You dated Chuck Cardashyen in
college?
JOY
Just one date.
MICHELLE
What was Chuck like?
JOY
He was sweet, yet a bit naive.
MICHELLE
How so?
JOY
Well, he insisted on paying for
the abortion.
MICHELLE
Well, that was…
JOY
Only I wasn’t pregnant.
MICHELLE
Then why would you…
JOY
Oh, I tried to explain to Chuck
that I wasn’t pregnant, but he
kept insisting. He thought, like,
maybe I would realize months
later that I was pregnant.
MICHELLE
So what did you do?
JOY
I took the money. I had to.
He was insistent.
Michelle is speechless.
JOY (cont’d)
I used the money to buy a TV
set.
MICHELLE
Didn’t you try and explain…
JOY
I tried. He wouldn’t listen.
He then refused to see me or
return any of my calls, he was
so guilty.
MICHELLE
So you just took his money…
JOY
I felt embarrassed for him.
He obviously did not know how
sex works. I mean, we had only
had oral.
INT. CHUCK CARDASHYEN FOR MAYOR CAMPAIGN OFFICE - DAY
Chuck is behind a podium and microphones.
CHUCK
And that is why I advocate better
sex education in schools. I am
a living example of that. Fortunately,
it turns out I dodged a bullet when
my college girlfriend did not get
pregnant. Yet we need to educate more
students before more women do become
pregnant during oral sex.
INT. LOS ANGELES CITY CLERK ELECTION DIVISION OFFICE - DAY
Chuck stands in front of reporters holding a stack of nominating petitions.
CHUCK
I am announcing today that I am
officially filing to run for Mayor
of Los Angeles. I have petitions with
signatures of over nine thousand
Los Angeles residents, my filing fee,
and statement of economic interest.
I will be running in the general
election as the nominee of the Progressive
Conservative Party. Now I shall
officially deliver my paperwork to
become an official candidate
Chuck hands the paperwork to a CLERK.
The Clerk reviews the paperwork.
CLERK
I cant accept this.
CHUCK
Aha. Another example of official
stone walling against third party
candidates.
CLERK
No, the election for Mayor is
not until next year.
FADE OUT
